You were born to enjoy life. Great relationships, natural beauty, falling in love, and being true to yourself are elements of a wonderful life. However, if your relationships are stressful and erode your enjoyment of life, you may have the disorder known as “codependency.” So if you’re unhappy with life or relationships, it’s important to see if codependency is causing you to fail.
Codependency is Common
Codependency is a common emotional and behavioral condition. If you feel overly dependent on your significant other, put other people’s desires about yours, or don’t enjoy alone time, you may be codependent. Clearly, you’re in good company because over 50% of the American population is codependent. So it’s likely that you’ve been in a relationship with a codependent or are codependent yourself.
You could say that codependency fabricates false self-love. It’s impossible to have an authentic connection with someone if you don’t love yourself.
Losing Yourself
Low self-esteem is at the root of codependency. Consequently, you’ll likely seek external validation to feel better about yourself and become dependent on others to boost your self-esteem. For example, you may be fixated on getting lots of “likes” on social media or receiving compliments and awards. If you’re codependent and don’t get the recognition you want, you feel inadequate. Consequently, being authentic is challenging because you’re trying to please others.
Examples of Codependent Behavior
- Hesitancy to communicate your true feelings.
- Difficulty setting boundaries.
- Valuing the approval of others over your own needs and desires.
- Fearing rejection and abandonment.
- Disproportionate reliance on others.
- Tendency to “rescue” people.
- Feeling hurt when people don’t recognize your efforts.
- Holding on to a toxic relationship to avoid being alone.
- Feeling guilty when asserting yourself.
- Trying to control other people’s impressions of you.
Why Do We Become Codependent?
So, why do we become codependent? In essence, it’s because we weren’t given positive feedback in our younger years. As children, we depend on our parents to provide us with love and acceptance. If our parents couldn’t care for and support us unconditionally (even though they did the best they could), our underdeveloped brains assumed that we were to blame. We had to figure out how to please them, which led us to morph into the kind of children our parents thought we should be. Consequently, we unknowingly fell into a pattern of trying to please other people so they would accept us. We became dependent on others’ approval to feel good about ourselves.
Metaphorically
Metaphorically, picture a daisy that sprouts and begins developing its beauty. But instead of being allowed to grow into a daisy, it was told that it needed to be a rose or it wouldn’t get watered. It tried to turn into a rose by growing a few small thorns, but it couldn’t sustain it and fell into despair because of not being valued as a daisy. Like a daisy, we can also feel hopeless when we don’t feel valued for who we are.
What Recovery from Codependency Looks Like
- Get out of your comfort zone; try new things, even if they scare you a little.
- Set healthy boundaries.
- Turn away from what the media or other people say you should be, do or want.
- Communicate your authentic thoughts, needs, and preferences to others.
- Trust your decisions.
- Boost your self-love.
- Honor your values and not let someone talk you out of them.
- Have a full life aside from your life with your significant other.
- Acknowledge your inner child who will inspire your creativity and passion.
- Understand that you are responsible for your own emotional needs in a relationship.
In Conclusion
Next Steps
I suffered from codependency for years and overcame it to have a happy and healthy relationship with my spouse. I can help you have a great relationship too. Contact me at (512) 922-4822 or buildlovingrelationships.com or email me at truelovecoach@gmail.com.
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