Do you feel guilty when you say no? It can be hard to tell someone, “No, I don’t want to do that,” or to inform your mother that you’re not coming to see her for Christmas or inform your supervisor that you can’t work over the weekend. Regardless of what you’re saying no to, you’re apt to hear a nagging little voice in your head that tells you that you’re doing something wrong. If you’d like to be able to say no easier, without guilt, it’s important to look at the forces at work in your psyche which cause guilt.

Being Labeled as Selfish

As kids, we may have learned it was selfish to say no. So as adults, we think it’s offensive if we say no. Actually, saying no to someone means saying yes to yourself. We are happier when we live a balanced life and set limits on what we say yes to. Self-care isn’t selfish, and if someone labels you as selfish, it’s because they don’t understand the concept of self-care. Making your needs a priority allows you to take better care of others. For example, if a mother decides to take a weekend getaway by herself, she will feel rejuvenated and more attentive to her children when she gets home.

Fear of Conflict or Confrontation

Do you avoid saying no because you don’t want to cause a confrontation? Many of us steer clear of conflict. When we don’t know if the other person will accept our “no” politely or rage uncontrollably at us, we commonly think the worst will happen – like expecting to see a monster under the bed rather than just a dust-ball. It can be scary!

Additionally, if you were yelled at as a child and feared your parents’ wrath, confrontation can trigger the same fearful emotions you felt when you were young. Naturally, you want to avoid those feelings. However, rather than avoiding conflict, it’s more beneficial to let go of the past and realize that it doesn’t have to color the present.

Saying “no” indicates your emotional health.

Need for Others’ Approval

If we’re dependent on others for approval and attention, we think that saying yes ensures that we’re liked. When people like us, we feel valued, and it feels good. Saying no is risky because the other person may stop liking us, which can crush those of us with fragile self-esteem.

For instance, Mary is an attractive single woman who has no trouble getting dates. Underneath her exterior appearance, she suffers from low self-esteem. Mary needs a man’s attention to feel good about herself. She’s willing to put her own best interests on the back burner to keep her date from disliking her. By trying to please others, Mary is not being true to herself and isn’t as happy as she wants. She can overcome dependence on others through self-acceptance. She’ll be able to lead a more comfortable life and grow self-confidence.

Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of the Four Agreements, said this:

By saying yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.

Unhealthy Responsibility

Unhealthy responsibility means not honoring your truth because you think it will upset someone. It can exhaust you and burden you with extra responsibility. We are responsible for our happiness. Sure, we may feel disappointed when someone says no to us; however, the other person is not the culprit – it’s how we interpret the “no.” It could crush some people, yet others can brush it off.

We’re not responsible for others’ feelings, just as they are not responsible for ours. It’s common to say, “He or she made me feel guilty.” In reality, another person can’t make you feel a certain way; you must take responsibility for your feelings. Transforming unhealthy responsibility means getting clear about what your responsibility is in relationships. It is your job to say ‘no’ directly but kindly.

In Conclusion

By saying NO to someone, we are saying YES to ourselves. You can love and support others but still care for your needs.

Next Steps

I have experienced the dread that saying “no” can bring up. For many years, I chose to put my needs aside so I wouldn’t disappoint others. I forgot who I really was. If you want to say “no” easier, yet with compassion, I can help. Contact me at (512) 922-4822 or buildlovingrelationships.com or email me at truelovecoach@gmail.com.

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