Have you ever found yourself in a simple conversation with your significant other, and suddenly, you’re in a heated conflict? Or find it difficult to talk about certain subjects with your partner? It’s frustrating; however, it doesn’t have to be. Assumptions can negatively affect relationships. The reason conversations go sideways is not so much because of the words or tone of voice that you use; it’s because of your unconscious assumptions. We make assumptions about other people’s behavior and their intentions. Sometimes we get it right, but a lot of the time, we get it wrong.

Pay attention to when you are making assumptions and start to recognize that they are assumptions in the first place.

Making Assumptions

Your brain is constantly solving problems. When something surprising or confusing happens, your brain tells you how to respond by looking for patterns between the current and past situations. Consequently, you unconsciously react based on how you responded in the past, typically from childhood. You replay the past anger, frustration, or sadness you felt long ago.

Childhood has an effect on our adulthood, our early experiences shape our belief about ourselves, others and the world.

Case Study: Mark and Melody

Here’s what happened to Mark and Melody’s potential relationship when they made assumptions. Mark and Melody have met for brunch. This is their second date, and they feel hopeful about the relationship. Melody notices that Mark is quieter than he was on their first date, and she feels uneasy. She asks him if everything is okay, and he responds, “Yes, everything’s good.” 

Actually, Mark is exhausted from trying to meet a work deadline. He didn’t want to cancel their date at the last minute; however, he’s running on low energy. He’s trying to manage Melanie’s impression of him and assumes that if he tells Melody the truth, she’ll form a negative impression of him. However, Melody doesn’t believe that “Everything’s good.” She has an underlying fear of being rejected because of the pain of past rejections. She, therefore, assumes that Mark has lost interest in her. So she begins silently talking herself out of the relationship. Melody doesn’t show much interest in following up with Mark as they say their goodbyes because she assumes he has already rejected her.

Mark assumes that Melody’s disinterest means that she is bored with him. Having been criticized as a child, Mark has an underlying fear of being inadequate. He feels the hopelessness he felt as a child, and assuming Melody has already lost interest, he talks himself out of following up with her. Little do they know that their assumptions have sabotaged their relationship because they responded to their negative assumptions rather than finding out if they were accurate.

Deepak Chopra eloquently stated in his book, The Deeper Wound,

When you consider someone without assumptions, your inner antenna picks up a new signal. Instead of tuning in to someone’s personality, you tune in to their essence. This essence is spirit, and when you detect it, the natural response is love.

How to Uncover Your Assumptions

You have to become more aware of what’s happening inside yourself psychologically. You can do so by asking yourself these questions:

• What’s actually happening, and what am I manufacturing about the situation?
• How do I know this for sure?
• What are the facts, not my interpretation of the facts?
• Why am I so agitated about this? Take a time out. When your emotions outweigh the reality of a situation, you have a deeper issue in play.
• Become aware of any unhealed emotional wounds you have.
• When your partner becomes agitated, stay calm and understand that they are likely experiencing something from their past. Don’t take their reaction personally.

In Conclusion

Good communication is the glue that holds relationships together. When you become aware of assumptions, you’ll communicate better and experience less conflict in your relationship.