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“When you consider someone without assumptions, your inner antenna picks up a new signal. Instead of tuning in to someone’s personality, you tune in to their essence. This essence is spirit, and when you detect it, the natural response is love.” ~ Deepak Chopra, The Deeper Wound
Have you ever started a simple conversation with your partner, only to find yourself in a heated disagreement a few minutes later? Or are there certain subjects you avoid because talking about them never seems to go well. It can be frustrating and confusing—however it doesn’t have to stay that way.
Often, conversations go sideways not simply because of the words we use or the tone of our voice, but because of the assumptions quietly shaping what you hear.
You may make assumptions about your partner’s feelings, behavior, and intentions. Sometimes you’re right. But often, your responding to what you think is happening rather than what is actually happening.
If you felt criticized, ignored, rejected, or misunderstood when you were young, a present-day interaction may stir up those same emotions. Without realizing it, you may react to your partner as though the past is happening all over again. Your early experiences often shape what you believe about yourself and other people.
Your brain is constantly trying to make sense of what is happening around you. When something feels confusing or unexpected, it searches for familiar patterns to help you decide how to respond. The trouble is that those patterns are often based on the past rather than what’s happening in the now.
Mark and Melody are meeting for their second date. Their first date went well, and they both feel hopeful about where the relationship might go. During brunch, however, Melody notices that Mark is quieter than he was the first time they met. She begins to feel uneasy and asks whether everything is okay.
“Yes, everything’s good,” Mark tells her.
But everything isn’t quite good. Mark is exhausted from trying to meet a deadline at work. He didn’t want to cancel their date at the last minute, but he has very little energy. Rather than telling Melody the truth, Mark worries that she will form a negative impression of him. He assumes she may see him as distracted, uninteresting, or unable to manage his life.
Melody senses that something is different, and she doesn’t believe that everything is fine. Because she has experienced painful rejection in the past, she assumes Mark has already lost interest in her. She begins silently talking herself out of the relationship. By the end of the date, she seems distant and shows little enthusiasm about seeing him again.
Mark notices her change in behavior and makes an assumption of his own: Melody must be bored with him. Because Mark was frequently criticized as a child, he carries an underlying fear that he isn’t good enough. Melody’s distance touches that old wound. Feeling the same discouragement he experienced as a child, he decides not to contact her again.
Neither of them realizes what has happened.
Melody assumes Mark has rejected her. Mark assumes Melody is no longer interested. Instead of asking one another what is true, they both respond to fears shaped by the past—and a promising relationship quietly slips away.
Becoming aware of your assumptions takes practice. When you notice yourself feeling hurt, anxious, angry, or defensive, pause before reacting and ask:
If your emotional response seems much larger than the situation itself, it’s probably an old wound. Give yourself time to settle before continuing the conversation. A short pause can keep an old fear from taking the steering wheel.
When your partner becomes upset, remain curious. Their reaction may be connected to something deeper than the present moment. You don’t have to accept hurtful behavior, but you can avoid taking their reactions personally.
You can ask:
These questions create space for understanding—and understanding is often where conflict begins to soften.
Good communication is one of the foundations of a loving relationship. But communication isn’t only about choosing the right words. It is also about becoming aware of the fears, beliefs, and assumptions we bring into the conversation.
The next time you feel yourself reacting, pause and become curious. Ask what you know, what you’re assuming, and what else might be true.
That small pause may be enough to turn a painful misunderstanding into an opportunity for greater honesty, trust, and connection.
Elizabeth Golembiewski is a dating, relationship, and transformational life coach who helps people understand the inner patterns that may be keeping them from experiencing the love and connection they desire.
Drawing from both professional training and her own relationship journey, Elizabeth offers a compassionate, insightful approach to dating, relationships, and personal transformation. She is a graduate of St. Edward’s University in Austin, Texas, and is a Certified Dating, Relationship, and Life Coach, an IFS-Informed Practitioner, and a Certified Feng Shui Consultant.
You can contact Elizabeth at truelovecoach@gmail.com or call or text (512) 922-4822.
“I am passionate about helping people gain insight into their inner world so they can transform the patterns that may be unconsciously blocking them from love.” — Elizabeth
